Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm down...

I now realize, I am alone.
The weight of it is bearing down upon me.
It crushes my spirit and suffocates my will.
This won't be a rhyme, just something to write and flushes my mind.
I no longer have a Best Friend.
I lost Him to my own selfishness.
I no longer have a best friend.
Because there is no one to fill that role.
I have friends, but none that I can truly hang out with.
I feel so alone.

Sorrow grips my heart.
The pain of depression swells up and drowns my mind.
If it is the will of God that I am to be alone, then give me a happy heart because I am not happy!
If I am to be alone, give me joy to be so.
Or finish me off because the suffering is so much!

I bet the suffering is my own fault- it always is. If that is the case, then SHOW ME WHAT THE HELL I AM SUPPOSED TO DO?

You've taken my TV. You've taken my friends, church, RELATIONSHIPS- EVERY FUCKING THING! WHAT THE FUCK TO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD?! I am angry, tired, depressed and blind. Make me see, Lord! Make me see what You want. I think you want me to do something and then I get a different message and have to completely change it all. I am tired. Good night, Lord.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Feeding my spirit.

Posted 4-29-07:

Yesterday, I photographed again!
It was another amazing experience! I feel SO good after I take a bunch of pictures. Why? I truly believe I am feeding my spirit, the true essence of what make me a creative man. I have repressed it for SO long, I want to let it out.

So, how often do I take pictures? This month, twice. I could have gone out more often, but the weather wasn't so great (rain), and I had other obligations to attend to. Am I going to take more pictures today, since it is nice outside? Nope. I feel I have to work with the ones I took yesterday before I go any further. I have to see if what I took was good and if my settings were good.
I do know I want to get some filters for my camera and I know where to get a WHOLE bunch of them. My sister's hubby is a professional photographer and is well known and published, i.e. Got Milk? ads. Not some of the recent ones, but he helped start it off in the early days. Anyways, he has a tube full of them and he wants to give them to me.

I got to wondering why he would do that, and it dawned upon me that he Photoshops his images to get the look he wants. It's no difference to me as such things are common. I just want to reduce the work at the computer. I'm good with Photoshop, I just don't want to be in front of this infernal monster...known as a PC. Now, more than ever, I want a Mac because that way, it can be used as a TOOL and not a personal entertainment device.

Have a shwanky day!

I did something new today...

Posted 4-26-07:

Today, I actually cared.
I cared about the trials people are facing and experiencing.
I cared about the joys they are experiencing.
I cared for them. I have done it in the past, but it has been awhile since I really did it. You know what? I accomplished more today than I EVER thought and it felt GOOD!

I also got apple slices with my meal deal from Scrubway (Subway to the unknowing). Now THAT is something completely new! Will I do it again? No. A price of $1.60 for 6 tiny pieces of apple is NOT a deal.

Will that stop me from eating right? Nope.

Have a schwanky day!

Make a change.

Posted 4-25-07:

Tomorrow...I will do ONE thing different. To me, it has to be ONE completely different thing. Not something I include once in awhile in my pattern of life, but something out of the ordinary.

I won't think further on that as I want to leave that up to God to decide. I know He'll pop a note in my head for something completely different!

So, what one thing are YOU going to do tomorrow? I ask this as some people have to think about such stuff. Now, I'm not talking about some huge grand poobah of a different thing, but some THING different.


Posted 2-14-07:

Bah shumbug! Actually, I was prepared to make bumper stickers on how much I hate Valentines Day...being single accentuates that. But, someone gave me something and you know what? I was appreciative of it! It melted that anti-Valentines wax fort I made!

Thanks Sue! You're a beautiful woman and I hope God places a wonderful man in your life. You do so much to achieve your goals, far more than I seen anyone else!
(Sue is much older than me, but is truly beautiful and youthful of heart).

Something To Say Something

Posted 2-13-07:

So, what am I going to write about... Hmmmm, well... I sent an email to some friends and I mentioned in it that they are nuts about each other, yet, I added a little something to that line; "they are nuts and gravel about each other."

"Nuts and Gravel." That is crazy, but oddly funny to me. I mean, you can be nuts about someone, but nuts can be eaten. Add in gravel and you have something special on your hands, because gravel is everywhere! There are lots of nuts, but many more bits of gravel. So, ever wanted to be nuts and gravel about someone? Think about it.

I Am Seeking...

Posted 2-7-07 on another website:

A most beautiful woman.
So what is beauty to me? Beauty is mostly heart, with a dash of pretty. She doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous, she just needs to be pretty, even a little. Most of the time, weight doesn't bother me. And she also must be willing to let me see her heart, and that is the most critical.
I won't accept all hearts as some might be on paths that aren't compatible to mine. We both must be in the same race, pulling the same load and loving the same God with all our hearts first, before each other. This is what I seek.

Again, what is beauty to me? I feel that is subjective and fluid. A heart is hard to explore in a woman because it is complex and fathomless.


Posted 2-5-07 on another website:

Excuse me? Are you judgmental? No? So, you've never been judgmental in your life? OH? You're perfect? Well, excuse me! You must think you're god. Excuse me while I talk to the Real God and let Him know His cousin is here!

I feel everyone is judgmental in some way or another. I try not to be. Am I perfect? NOOOOOOOOO! I am not. So don't hold me to some stupid perfect idealistic level, because I will disappoint you! Also, don't be some sort of hypocrite either and say "Non-Christians aren't judgmental" that is bullshit...Oh, did I cuss? Yes, because there really isn't a better word to describe it. Non-Christians are just as bad as anyone. So don't be holier than thou with yourself.

I Have Joined...

Posted 1-19-07 on another website:

I am now a part of the iPod people...

Ummmm, it's a nice musical tool. Feels well in my hand and it works- once you figure out you have to feed iTunes a song or two for it to work.

4 GB iPod Nano Silver
Nothing serious. I just needed it for work as I travel to remote areas of Kansas- where radio isn't the flavor I prefer.
NOTE 5-30-07: Sound quality isn't as good as I would expect it to be. My Zen Nano had a much richer sound. The iPod Nano has a 24hr battery, which is the only reason why I got it.


Posted 1-14-07 on another website:

Today, for the first time ever, I BELIEVE in ME!


Posted 12-9-06 on another website:

So, we are Enemies? Some of you will be significant enemies, others just "minor" enemies.
So, what makes you an enemy? Is it because of our views?
Or is it because I'm a Christian?

I think it is that.

Let me put it like this, do you love? I mean, do you love yourself, family members, and people? Do you hate injustice? Do you want to see people treated fairly? Do you want to experience life and enjoy it?

So do I.

So what is that different between us? Human complexity and our own selfish desires (no matter who you are, we are all selfish one way or another). Self interests and goals that can only affect us. Desire to be something, no matter what. Craving things that we can never get or if we do, it will be at extreme cost. Wanting it all. And for what purpose? Keeping up with the Joneses? Out doing each other? How about us falling for the ad-man's lies?

We are crushing ourselves. I know I was. I'm not perfect and that sort of life about destroyed me. Actually, it about killed me. Sure, it was fun for awhile, but at what cost? I lost it all and to be open about it, good riddance! Freedom is insanely awesome!

So, what does this have to do with me being a Christian? Being a Christian doesn't mean your life will be better. Most will not see any difference in life. BUT, what you are given is eternal life with a Being that is infinitely humorous, infinitely loving, and infinitely wants to live life with you. No matter what you've done, are doing or will ever do. No matter what, He loves you.

Does being a Christian require you to be perfect? No! You can NEVER be perfect and the other Christians around you aren't perfect either. We are all human and have a sinful nature, so we are bound to make errors, commit sin, etc.

So, why are we enemies?

An Adventure To Share.

Posted 12-4-06 on another website:
I am not sure if I have an adventure to share with a woman.
I mean, yet.
But that is dependent if I get off my duff to do something.
There are lots of things I want to do, but I have a kryptonite flaw;
I hate being alone.
So I want to share an adventure, but yet the adventure hasn't been made.

Oh, the Catch-22 of the whole thing! I guess I just need to do something, regardless if I have someone in my life or not.
To be more correct, I should care more about my own life than wait for someone to show up. Honestly, I hate being alone. I also hate feeling like unused cottage cheese.

Yeah, you know, cottage cheese? That stuff you buy and only use some of the container and forget about it in the fridge. Only a part of me is being used and the rest is rotting away.

I just have to leave it up to God to direct me. I just have to go in a direction to start the whole process. I hate failure, I hate being alone, and my ego is about as fragile as crystal, and everyone in the world has a hammer waiting to break it.

Actually, I have a very small ego and low confidence. I don't care if you know this or not. I just want to be me and not some plastic/fake person who's head is about as clear as glass and you can see the gears turning. As I've said before; if there is something I don't like, you'll know.

Czarina Is Dead To Me.

Posted 12-1-06 on another website:

My past is my past I cannot change it.
Czarina killed the relationship because she was a hypocrite.
She is dead to me
Yet she haunts my mind and will not let me be.
Why must I be tormented by this person
Can I not live a life free from her prison?
The chains of guilt and oppression was removed
The day You died on that cross after being abused.

I AM FREE, she has broken the covenant
I cannot be held guilty for her being malevolent.
The devil has no claim on this act
Because I know what are lies and fact.

She is dead to me
And the One who created me has set me free.
NOTE 2-12-07: This is no longer the case anymore as I have moved past this and look forward to a new and bright future!

Thinking of You.

Posted 12-1-06 on another website:

(This is not a poem, but a mental reflection upon my thoughts to Someone very important to me)
That is what I thought of today.
My mind flew around because I had lots of time to think, but always it came back to...
You are my shield when I am assaulted relentlessly.
You are my sword when I attack back.
You are my armor to deflect the blows I miss.
You care for me because You know my heart.
Strangely, I thought You were going to visit tonight.
But I should have know better, because Your entrance would have been more grander.
Thank You for removing me from a life of pain.
Thank You for removing me from a life of abuse.
Thank You for loving me and dying for me.
I know I cannot live without You and I need You on a moment by moment basis.

You know who You are and I will give my life to You.

What Am I?

Posted 11-30-06 on another website:

Another day.
But today, it was cold and an ice storm is visiting KC.
Then again, that is normal at least once or twice every couple of years.
I enjoy them.
Others hate them.

Even though I have had some wrecks in these storms.
I still find them beautiful, with respect.

So, while waiting for the day to end- dentists don't like bad weather either- I started looking at things.
Bored, I was browsing around and found my coworker's previous browsing.
He is a MySpace junkie.
So decided to see if someone was still on there.

Sure enough, I found them.
I will not mention this individual by name, except by the term Czarina.
I guess that gives the sex away, but I will not confirm it.
I once had a life with Czarina.
But that life is a distant memory of reflection, correction, pain, and abuse.

Reading about Czarina, seeing photos, and glimpsing this person's life again, made me realize something- There is a God.
God answered my prayers for Czarina. This person's life is back on track, making (I guess) lots-o-money, in a new relationship, and what else? Happiness.

Czarina is happy.

That was all I prayed for. Does it make me happy? In a way, yes.

It's That Simple

Posted 11-02-06 on another website:
Do you know what it means to be a Christian?
Not the way some closed minded pastor told you. Nor is it the way some fool of a "know-it-all" person, who is a fulltime hypocrite, would say.

Being a Christian doesn't mean a religion. It's a relationship. You don't have to give up anything to become a Christian, unless you want to. No one can make you nor can they tell you to give up something. Only you can decide.

How do you become a Christian? Easy. Understand that we are all imperfect and are sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God. We are all worthy of death and complete seperation from God. But, God loves us and because of that great love, He sent His Son to earth to pay the price for our sins. He loves us so much, His Son, Jesus, was nailed to a cross and died, but was raised from the dead after three days once the price was paid in full.

So, what does that leave you? Because Jesus accepts us with all of our faults, we are to accept Him in all of His perfection. Accept Him without restriction as your Lord and personal Saviour, and He will accept you as a long lost child that was found. Reguardless of what you have done, are doing now, or will ever do, Jesus will accept you. And all...and I mean this...ALL OF YOUR SINS WILL BE WIPED AWAY AND COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN! And because you are free of sin, you are guaranteed eternal life with the God of the universe, who created everything...Not to mention, you get to experience His awesome sense of humor!

Think about it.

Monday, April 23, 2007

While at bed...

Before I sleep,
Great battles are fought for my keep.
A cloud of white, a flash of red,
All fight above me in bed.

Angels clothed in white guard my soul.
The Fallen clothed in red want it to boil.
A Black shape lurks about me waiting patiently.

Someone yells, "That is Death, he is here for you..."
Another yells, "You know what you have to do!
It is not too late,
To avoid your fate!"

I am assailed from all sides,
Some yelling words of love and others bile.
I know I must take a step,
Or I will be in Death's grip.

I want to be with the Lord,
To see what I haven't explored.
But Love wants me to be on earth,
Because life has so much worth.

I know what has to be done,
As I know it's a fight that won't be easily won.
The Evil One has a special interest in me,
As I can talk about the Lord with glee!

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I am a Christian...a Follower of Christ. I believe the Lord Jesus, died for my sins upon a cross, so that whomever believe in Him, shall have eternal life. I also believe He is the only way to God. For He said, "None may come before the Father, except through Me." Christians didn't create this statement, He said it.

Now, just because I am a Christ Follower, doesn't mean I'm a dull person. By all means, I enjoy life like anyone else. One of my passions is music and the equipment that reproduces that music. I own a decent stereo in my truck, and there's even a good one in my company vehicle. I have two MP3 players (an iPod Nano and a Creative Zen Nano), my PC has a top of the line sound card, and I have a 6 channel speaker system plugged into it. The DVD player (set top unit) I own can play about any movie file and DVD Audio. Because I live in an apartment, I can't pull out my "real" stereo, which cranks out about 250W of RMS power.

SO, what is my point? I got a sample DVD Audio CD and I was curious as to how it sounded. I was going to play it on my DVD set top player, but I didn't have the big stereo plugged up, so I couldn't test this...then I realized PC has all that is needed to listen to this. So I tossed that disc in...

I was not prepared to what I heard! This rich, full bodied music filled my tiny apartment.
It was so:
Life like...
and REAL!
I mean, it was music that had a flavor and it embodied the essence of what music be enjoyed! I enjoyed this...immensely! The audio was COMPLETELY separate in EACH speaker. Each how its own sound, nothing unified like previous audio systems. And the clarity of the music, 96 KHz, 24 bit, with 6 channels- which I thought I couldn't detect, but I did notice. To put it into perspective, CD Audio is 44 KHz, 16 bit, with 2 channels- that is like less than half the amount of recorded data just in sound. Do I believe that tapes and records sound better than CDs? Yes. Even tapes have a richer sound than CDs and I know about records, the music is much more richer.

Granted, this was a sample disc and it had multiple kinds of music on it, which what was so amazing about it as it fully tested my PC's sound card! Playing blues, to rock, to an acoustic session with a piano, a choir and some classical music...DVD Audio is sweet and I give it six thumbs up!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

In Chicago

I haven't written in awhile.
Today, I'm in Chicago. I'm here for training on X-Ray equipment and software. Today was the software portion and it was interesting and boring at the same time. I will not elaborate.

I realize I need to change my life. Actually, I have to. My old life is crashing down around me. I have to make a new reality, a new future, walk a new path. I know this path will not be easy and it will be rewarding and fulfilling. I have to walk it, acknowledge it, be it, do it, and HAVE it.

This path will take me away from having a relationship. I am lonely, yet I know I have to enjoy this time. Because it will not be the same once I do find someone...then again, I might not be allowed to have a wife. Ever! And I just have to accept that, and own up to it. Because I am starting to feel I am not ready to have a relationship.

Why? Because I have too many inappropriate behaviors, attitudes, lusts and desires that aren't friendly to a marriage. I now know and own up to my behaviors during my marriage. I was partially to blame for it failing! She was a heathen bitch (in her own words), wanting sex outside of the marriage with men and women, while lying to me the entire time we were married about her "male friend" relationships. While I was in a Parent/Child mode relationship (I was the Parent figure and eventually she resented me for it and rebelled) in which I eventually shutdown because I felt like a complete failure at loosing the job that caused us to loose it all!! Not even for possible future children and/or a future wife. Me alone and only for me. Not even for you, reader of blogs.

Oh, I have this to say, God Bless Kristy Burns and everything she wants to do. I have forgiven her and I don't want to see her again or to think about her ever again. The mere thought of her steals my happiness, my strength, my peace. SO I HOPE THE LORD WILL BLESS HER OUT OF EXISTENCE IN MY MIND! Goodnight everyone and I hope the Lord will bless you with peace and joy tomorrow!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The struggle.

Many are the ones who have come to know God, but only a few will truly take the time to know Him. It isn't about religion and anyone who says that it is full of crap. God wants a one-on-one relationship with you. Not with the "thees" and "thous" and the "have nots" and "can nots" of your life. Those are barriers between Him and you.

A true relationship. How complex is that? It's not, when you think about it. It's open, free and you can be absolutely yourself. Anything else is a hurdle you will have to leap over in the future. I mean, why believe you have to do good things to get into heaven when it really is how well of a relationship you have with the One who created you? I mean, the moment I do something bad- and we all have done something bad- and if you say you haven't, then you're lying :) which is something bad! Anyways, when you do something bad, you can't get into heaven. Because heaven is perfect. Nothing bad is allowed there. But, having a relationship with the Lord means He lets His friends live with Him. I am not sure how much more simpler I can put it.

Does having a relationship with God mean that life will be better? Not really. Some will see no difference, others will experience a much improved life over existing circumstances and some will appear to have a far worse life. I am an example of someone having a "worse" life, but I feel it is much better and more enjoyable! Life can be boring, if we get too comfortable. God knows that happens, so He routinely "shakes" me up once in awhile.

I used to "boo-hoo" my life, now I don't. I just say, I was a horrible person and the Lord wanted me and corrected me.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Dreamscape here I come!
Here it is...a dream that might seem to be completely strange, but you can decide:

I was in a large house, with endless amounts of rooms and was full of fun things to do. A Father and a Son lived there, as did a few kids. The Father was popular as people/reporters were asking Him lots of questions, even though He was very busy. Even the Son was asked a few too. They seemed to answer them and still went about their business. They were never unaproachable.

The house was meant to be fully explored and enjoyed. Me and the kids always ran through-out the house, with the Father or Son enjoying it with us. It was heaven! Then, one day, while me and several other kids were playing on an Escher style staircase, the lights turned off at the foot of the steps. We went to investigate.

It was dark, and what light was there was being swallowed up by the darkness. It felt evil, malevolent, suffocating. We searched for the Father, but He wasn't there. We searched for the Son, He wasn't there either. We cried out to Them, but they weren't there. But the evil was surrounding us, closing in, preparing to take us...devour us.

Then I woke up and I realized there was a purpose to the dream. Do you understand it? I think I do.

From long ago, in a life, far away.

Back when I was married. Back when I had a house. Back when I thought I was something (now, I know better). I was on the eighth month of my year and a-half of unemployment, I had an amazing dream. This happened right after I started going back to church and getting into studying the bible.

I was in a room, comfortable, warm, pleasant, and nearly perfect. My friends and then-wife were there, oddly, dressed like people from around first century Israel. We were enjoying conversations of excellent quality, and our friendship seemed genuine!

Then, one of the walls of room just fell away and exposed a world much different than what was inside. I immediately walked through the hole. The world was gray and there were mountains in the distance. There was rubble under my feet. Great hunks of buildings and homes were heaped under the comfortable room. In fact, the stark contrast between what was inside the room and what was outside was incredible. The sky was overcast with thick unending clouds, but enough light was allowed through so as to see what was in the distance.

I walk and stumble upon the uneven ground, nearly falling several times, I decide to stop and take a long look back at the comfortable room. Through the opening in the wall, warm light spills out onto the gray chunky debris, but it doesn't travel far before being swallowed by the power of the world. I see my friends and then-wife looking outside and staying well within the hole. I yell, "Come outside! There is NOTHING to fear, for the Lord is with you and He will take care of you! For He loves you very, very much!" But they don't come.

I turn and continue my trek over the rocky ground and I see a man, just standing in the ruins of a building. To call it a ruin would be a misnomer as all can be seen are the girders and 2nd floor "floor". And it was all clean and clear of any dirt and rubble. The man was dressed in head to toe in the finest looking clothing I've seen, if I lived in first century Israel. And what made it even more amazing, was the color! He was resplendent in the most beautiful of color and the darkness of the world couldn't touch him.

I walked up to him and he looked like he was expecting me. Strangely, we had a conversation (of which I don't remember), but I know, we become good friends.