Hi.
I haven't written in awhile.
Today, I'm in Chicago. I'm here for training on X-Ray equipment and software. Today was the software portion and it was interesting and boring at the same time. I will not elaborate.
I realize I need to change my life. Actually, I have to. My old life is crashing down around me. I have to make a new reality, a new future, walk a new path. I know this path will not be easy and it will be rewarding and fulfilling. I have to walk it, acknowledge it, be it, do it, and HAVE it.
This path will take me away from having a relationship. I am lonely, yet I know I have to enjoy this time. Because it will not be the same once I do find someone...then again, I might not be allowed to have a wife. Ever! And I just have to accept that, and own up to it. Because I am starting to feel I am not ready to have a relationship.
Why? Because I have too many inappropriate behaviors, attitudes, lusts and desires that aren't friendly to a marriage. I now know and own up to my behaviors during my marriage. I was partially to blame for it failing! She was a heathen bitch (in her own words), wanting sex outside of the marriage with men and women, while lying to me the entire time we were married about her "male friend" relationships. While I was in a Parent/Child mode relationship (I was the Parent figure and eventually she resented me for it and rebelled) in which I eventually shutdown because I felt like a complete failure at loosing the job that caused us to loose it all!
I...have...to...change...for...me...and...not...for...anyone...else! Not even for possible future children and/or a future wife. Me alone and only for me. Not even for you, reader of blogs.
Oh, I have this to say, God Bless Kristy Burns and everything she wants to do. I have forgiven her and I don't want to see her again or to think about her ever again. The mere thought of her steals my happiness, my strength, my peace. SO I HOPE THE LORD WILL BLESS HER OUT OF EXISTENCE IN MY MIND! Goodnight everyone and I hope the Lord will bless you with peace and joy tomorrow!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The struggle.
Many are the ones who have come to know God, but only a few will truly take the time to know Him. It isn't about religion and anyone who says that it is full of crap. God wants a one-on-one relationship with you. Not with the "thees" and "thous" and the "have nots" and "can nots" of your life. Those are barriers between Him and you.
A true relationship. How complex is that? It's not, when you think about it. It's open, free and you can be absolutely yourself. Anything else is a hurdle you will have to leap over in the future. I mean, why believe you have to do good things to get into heaven when it really is how well of a relationship you have with the One who created you? I mean, the moment I do something bad- and we all have done something bad- and if you say you haven't, then you're lying :) which is something bad! Anyways, when you do something bad, you can't get into heaven. Because heaven is perfect. Nothing bad is allowed there. But, having a relationship with the Lord means He lets His friends live with Him. I am not sure how much more simpler I can put it.
Does having a relationship with God mean that life will be better? Not really. Some will see no difference, others will experience a much improved life over existing circumstances and some will appear to have a far worse life. I am an example of someone having a "worse" life, but I feel it is much better and more enjoyable! Life can be boring, if we get too comfortable. God knows that happens, so He routinely "shakes" me up once in awhile.
I used to "boo-hoo" my life, now I don't. I just say, I was a horrible person and the Lord wanted me and corrected me.
A true relationship. How complex is that? It's not, when you think about it. It's open, free and you can be absolutely yourself. Anything else is a hurdle you will have to leap over in the future. I mean, why believe you have to do good things to get into heaven when it really is how well of a relationship you have with the One who created you? I mean, the moment I do something bad- and we all have done something bad- and if you say you haven't, then you're lying :) which is something bad! Anyways, when you do something bad, you can't get into heaven. Because heaven is perfect. Nothing bad is allowed there. But, having a relationship with the Lord means He lets His friends live with Him. I am not sure how much more simpler I can put it.
Does having a relationship with God mean that life will be better? Not really. Some will see no difference, others will experience a much improved life over existing circumstances and some will appear to have a far worse life. I am an example of someone having a "worse" life, but I feel it is much better and more enjoyable! Life can be boring, if we get too comfortable. God knows that happens, so He routinely "shakes" me up once in awhile.
I used to "boo-hoo" my life, now I don't. I just say, I was a horrible person and the Lord wanted me and corrected me.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Dreamscape
Dreamscape here I come!
Here it is...a dream that might seem to be completely strange, but you can decide:
I was in a large house, with endless amounts of rooms and was full of fun things to do. A Father and a Son lived there, as did a few kids. The Father was popular as people/reporters were asking Him lots of questions, even though He was very busy. Even the Son was asked a few too. They seemed to answer them and still went about their business. They were never unaproachable.
The house was meant to be fully explored and enjoyed. Me and the kids always ran through-out the house, with the Father or Son enjoying it with us. It was heaven! Then, one day, while me and several other kids were playing on an Escher style staircase, the lights turned off at the foot of the steps. We went to investigate.
It was dark, and what light was there was being swallowed up by the darkness. It felt evil, malevolent, suffocating. We searched for the Father, but He wasn't there. We searched for the Son, He wasn't there either. We cried out to Them, but they weren't there. But the evil was surrounding us, closing in, preparing to take us...devour us.
Then I woke up and I realized there was a purpose to the dream. Do you understand it? I think I do.
Here it is...a dream that might seem to be completely strange, but you can decide:
I was in a large house, with endless amounts of rooms and was full of fun things to do. A Father and a Son lived there, as did a few kids. The Father was popular as people/reporters were asking Him lots of questions, even though He was very busy. Even the Son was asked a few too. They seemed to answer them and still went about their business. They were never unaproachable.
The house was meant to be fully explored and enjoyed. Me and the kids always ran through-out the house, with the Father or Son enjoying it with us. It was heaven! Then, one day, while me and several other kids were playing on an Escher style staircase, the lights turned off at the foot of the steps. We went to investigate.
It was dark, and what light was there was being swallowed up by the darkness. It felt evil, malevolent, suffocating. We searched for the Father, but He wasn't there. We searched for the Son, He wasn't there either. We cried out to Them, but they weren't there. But the evil was surrounding us, closing in, preparing to take us...devour us.
Then I woke up and I realized there was a purpose to the dream. Do you understand it? I think I do.
From long ago, in a life, far away.
Back when I was married. Back when I had a house. Back when I thought I was something (now, I know better). I was on the eighth month of my year and a-half of unemployment, I had an amazing dream. This happened right after I started going back to church and getting into studying the bible.
I was in a room, comfortable, warm, pleasant, and nearly perfect. My friends and then-wife were there, oddly, dressed like people from around first century Israel. We were enjoying conversations of excellent quality, and our friendship seemed genuine!
Then, one of the walls of room just fell away and exposed a world much different than what was inside. I immediately walked through the hole. The world was gray and there were mountains in the distance. There was rubble under my feet. Great hunks of buildings and homes were heaped under the comfortable room. In fact, the stark contrast between what was inside the room and what was outside was incredible. The sky was overcast with thick unending clouds, but enough light was allowed through so as to see what was in the distance.
I walk and stumble upon the uneven ground, nearly falling several times, I decide to stop and take a long look back at the comfortable room. Through the opening in the wall, warm light spills out onto the gray chunky debris, but it doesn't travel far before being swallowed by the power of the world. I see my friends and then-wife looking outside and staying well within the hole. I yell, "Come outside! There is NOTHING to fear, for the Lord is with you and He will take care of you! For He loves you very, very much!" But they don't come.
I turn and continue my trek over the rocky ground and I see a man, just standing in the ruins of a building. To call it a ruin would be a misnomer as all can be seen are the girders and 2nd floor "floor". And it was all clean and clear of any dirt and rubble. The man was dressed in head to toe in the finest looking clothing I've seen, if I lived in first century Israel. And what made it even more amazing, was the color! He was resplendent in the most beautiful of color and the darkness of the world couldn't touch him.
I walked up to him and he looked like he was expecting me. Strangely, we had a conversation (of which I don't remember), but I know, we become good friends.
I was in a room, comfortable, warm, pleasant, and nearly perfect. My friends and then-wife were there, oddly, dressed like people from around first century Israel. We were enjoying conversations of excellent quality, and our friendship seemed genuine!
Then, one of the walls of room just fell away and exposed a world much different than what was inside. I immediately walked through the hole. The world was gray and there were mountains in the distance. There was rubble under my feet. Great hunks of buildings and homes were heaped under the comfortable room. In fact, the stark contrast between what was inside the room and what was outside was incredible. The sky was overcast with thick unending clouds, but enough light was allowed through so as to see what was in the distance.
I walk and stumble upon the uneven ground, nearly falling several times, I decide to stop and take a long look back at the comfortable room. Through the opening in the wall, warm light spills out onto the gray chunky debris, but it doesn't travel far before being swallowed by the power of the world. I see my friends and then-wife looking outside and staying well within the hole. I yell, "Come outside! There is NOTHING to fear, for the Lord is with you and He will take care of you! For He loves you very, very much!" But they don't come.
I turn and continue my trek over the rocky ground and I see a man, just standing in the ruins of a building. To call it a ruin would be a misnomer as all can be seen are the girders and 2nd floor "floor". And it was all clean and clear of any dirt and rubble. The man was dressed in head to toe in the finest looking clothing I've seen, if I lived in first century Israel. And what made it even more amazing, was the color! He was resplendent in the most beautiful of color and the darkness of the world couldn't touch him.
I walked up to him and he looked like he was expecting me. Strangely, we had a conversation (of which I don't remember), but I know, we become good friends.
Monday, September 25, 2006
My dream from 9-25-06
I had a dream that deserves attention and it is important for I feel it is from the Lord. This is what it contains:
I was in Japan, with school teachers, numbering four. They are Westerners and the group was close.
I was amazed at how much Japan allows women to be girly and frilly. Most girls were dressed in colorful clothes that sparkled and twinkled. The clothes exclaimed, no screamed: "Look at me! Am I pretty?" Many walk in groups, hand-in-hand.
I am allowed to go everywhere and I see many things. People living their lives without a care in the world. They buy many, many things for what ever reason.
I meet the teachers in some secluded spot for lunch. They are complaining that they are not being informed of events that are occurring at an exclusive school. They want to be on the email list. Somewhere in the conversation, shade is provided...but its not from any man made device, it just happens.
Soon, a representative of that exclusive school visits the park we are at and informs everyone, they are going to be put on the email list. The number of teachers in that school number 8- why I know this, I don't know. He didn't seem happy and it looked forced. Then most of the light is removed from the park. Its not completely dark, more like bright, bright moon in the sky, light. This time, I notice, the darkness is induced by someone or something evil. One of the teachers asks for it.
Another time or period, I guess, shortly after having lunch, I appear above some sort of farm...I think rice patty field or a shallow pond. I see stacks upon stacks (in a tee-pee shape) of green grass (I think). As I float over them, I over an undulating black shape that is very, very long and quite huge.
This might be considered a snake, because of its size and behavior, but it doesn't look like a snake in color. It slowly moves and undulates around a tree in the middle of this pond, with only a small portion of itself exposed. It might be a worm...but for some reason, I touch it and it stops. It begins to curl around to the point I am touching it. I stop and the creature continues on its way.
I begin to feel, it wants to destroy the green grass shapes. I seem to be stuck to some part of this "worm" as I am floating just above it, while moving with it. I decide to touch it again, but to scratch. This time, I notice the skin is scaly, but burnt with missing scales. The creature turns around almost immediately, but I still haven't seen its face. I stop scratching, but start again.
This time, the creature reveals itself. It's not a snake, nor a worm, but instead, its a wyrm. Or, as some call them, a dragon. This isn't an ordinary dragon, but a long thin one, with legs and no wings. I guess, its like the many depictions of Japanese dragons I've seen.
As I am scratching the wyrm back, it turns around and I can see one of his legs and his open gaping mouth... It was full of teeth and was fully open to bite my hand. This beast was evil and it was intent on destroying that village? I guess that is the case, it's a village he's after.
That is the end of the dream.
I was in Japan, with school teachers, numbering four. They are Westerners and the group was close.
I was amazed at how much Japan allows women to be girly and frilly. Most girls were dressed in colorful clothes that sparkled and twinkled. The clothes exclaimed, no screamed: "Look at me! Am I pretty?" Many walk in groups, hand-in-hand.
I am allowed to go everywhere and I see many things. People living their lives without a care in the world. They buy many, many things for what ever reason.
I meet the teachers in some secluded spot for lunch. They are complaining that they are not being informed of events that are occurring at an exclusive school. They want to be on the email list. Somewhere in the conversation, shade is provided...but its not from any man made device, it just happens.
Soon, a representative of that exclusive school visits the park we are at and informs everyone, they are going to be put on the email list. The number of teachers in that school number 8- why I know this, I don't know. He didn't seem happy and it looked forced. Then most of the light is removed from the park. Its not completely dark, more like bright, bright moon in the sky, light. This time, I notice, the darkness is induced by someone or something evil. One of the teachers asks for it.
Another time or period, I guess, shortly after having lunch, I appear above some sort of farm...I think rice patty field or a shallow pond. I see stacks upon stacks (in a tee-pee shape) of green grass (I think). As I float over them, I over an undulating black shape that is very, very long and quite huge.
This might be considered a snake, because of its size and behavior, but it doesn't look like a snake in color. It slowly moves and undulates around a tree in the middle of this pond, with only a small portion of itself exposed. It might be a worm...but for some reason, I touch it and it stops. It begins to curl around to the point I am touching it. I stop and the creature continues on its way.
I begin to feel, it wants to destroy the green grass shapes. I seem to be stuck to some part of this "worm" as I am floating just above it, while moving with it. I decide to touch it again, but to scratch. This time, I notice the skin is scaly, but burnt with missing scales. The creature turns around almost immediately, but I still haven't seen its face. I stop scratching, but start again.
This time, the creature reveals itself. It's not a snake, nor a worm, but instead, its a wyrm. Or, as some call them, a dragon. This isn't an ordinary dragon, but a long thin one, with legs and no wings. I guess, its like the many depictions of Japanese dragons I've seen.
As I am scratching the wyrm back, it turns around and I can see one of his legs and his open gaping mouth... It was full of teeth and was fully open to bite my hand. This beast was evil and it was intent on destroying that village? I guess that is the case, it's a village he's after.
That is the end of the dream.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My body and heart are Yours.
To the Lord:
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a camp there.
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a home and live there.
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a mighty fortress to guard it.
It is Your home, live there as You see fit.
And since it is Your home, protect it.
Lord, my heart is Yours! Claim it like a Lottery win.
Victoriously plant Your flag in the middle and inspect all who come in.
It is Your home, live there as You see fit.
And since it is Your home, protect it.
Jesus, take my body, for it is broken and worthless,
I have damaged it and can't care for it.
Jesus, take my body and use it as you see fit.
And since it is Yours, I know You will care for it.
Tired and time for bed. Amen
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a camp there.
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a home and live there.
Jesus, my heart is yours, make a mighty fortress to guard it.
It is Your home, live there as You see fit.
And since it is Your home, protect it.
Lord, my heart is Yours! Claim it like a Lottery win.
Victoriously plant Your flag in the middle and inspect all who come in.
It is Your home, live there as You see fit.
And since it is Your home, protect it.
Jesus, take my body, for it is broken and worthless,
I have damaged it and can't care for it.
Jesus, take my body and use it as you see fit.
And since it is Yours, I know You will care for it.
Tired and time for bed. Amen
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A Letter To...
This letter is for my ex-wife, Kristy, but one I will not send.
Kristy,
I want to say to you, deeply, I forgive you, completely for what happened during our marriage. I forgive you for all the times you cheated on me. I forgive you for all the mental abuse you gave me. I forgive you for trying to cheat me out of paying your share of taxes. I forgive you for not helping, when help was needed. I forgive you for not trusting me. I forgive you for not loving me.
In return, I ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for not being there when you needed me. Please forgive me for not showing my love for you, when I did love you deeply. Please forgive me for not affirming you in our marriage. Please forgive me for being a hypocrite. Please forgive me for failing you.
From this point on, a new begining will happen. Will I trust you anymore? No. Do I want to date you again? No. This is what I want; freedom. I want to be free of your influence in my life, thoughts and choices. I want to be able think of things that don't concern you anymore. For some stupid reason, I feared you. Now, I don't because I fear Someone greater than you, and He can do far more damage than you can ever imagine.
You wanted out of the marriage, and I gave that to you. Now, life is in your own hands and what you do is completely up to you. This will be the last letter I will write to you. Good-bye.
John
Kristy,
I want to say to you, deeply, I forgive you, completely for what happened during our marriage. I forgive you for all the times you cheated on me. I forgive you for all the mental abuse you gave me. I forgive you for trying to cheat me out of paying your share of taxes. I forgive you for not helping, when help was needed. I forgive you for not trusting me. I forgive you for not loving me.
In return, I ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for not being there when you needed me. Please forgive me for not showing my love for you, when I did love you deeply. Please forgive me for not affirming you in our marriage. Please forgive me for being a hypocrite. Please forgive me for failing you.
From this point on, a new begining will happen. Will I trust you anymore? No. Do I want to date you again? No. This is what I want; freedom. I want to be free of your influence in my life, thoughts and choices. I want to be able think of things that don't concern you anymore. For some stupid reason, I feared you. Now, I don't because I fear Someone greater than you, and He can do far more damage than you can ever imagine.
You wanted out of the marriage, and I gave that to you. Now, life is in your own hands and what you do is completely up to you. This will be the last letter I will write to you. Good-bye.
John
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Pr0n is bad...really bad.
This is to the Lord:
I am a fool. I messed up and again, I don't know how to perminately stop it! Lord, I lay at your feet that horrible desire for pr0n. Here I am, a man who loves you, and I have confessed to the world, I still like pr0n. And I detest it.
Lord, it is a demon, infesting the mind of men and women around the world. It poisons the soul and weakens the spirit of even the most strongest of people. Not human can fully resist it because it is everywhere.
Please Lord, take this demon, remove it. Please Lord, take this pain and lust, and remove it. Please Lord, save me from my ownself...because even I am not good for myself and you know what is best.
Please forgive me for be so weak. Please forgive me for being so human. Please forgive me for being so weak willed. I pray for your blessing upon me today to help me get through this day. Amen.
I am a fool. I messed up and again, I don't know how to perminately stop it! Lord, I lay at your feet that horrible desire for pr0n. Here I am, a man who loves you, and I have confessed to the world, I still like pr0n. And I detest it.
Lord, it is a demon, infesting the mind of men and women around the world. It poisons the soul and weakens the spirit of even the most strongest of people. Not human can fully resist it because it is everywhere.
Please Lord, take this demon, remove it. Please Lord, take this pain and lust, and remove it. Please Lord, save me from my ownself...because even I am not good for myself and you know what is best.
Please forgive me for be so weak. Please forgive me for being so human. Please forgive me for being so weak willed. I pray for your blessing upon me today to help me get through this day. Amen.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Food is bad, umkay?
This is to the Lord:
Food, its whats for dinner.
Food, its what I crave.
Food, its what I hate.
Food, its what I need.
Food, its what is killing me.
Father, American food is poison. The chemicals are addictive and destructive. They eat at the veins in my body, they cling to the sides of my arteries and body. Yet, I can't stop eating it. This food is killing me and there is nothing I can do!
Yet, I have You, my Lord, to be my savior and I know You'll find a perfect solution for this. I want to loose weight, but I want it to be for You and not for any other reason. Because I know, if I loose it, the weight will stay off. You are God and know the perfect way to solve it. I will do what I can, but I know I have been failing to stick to a diet.
I love You, Father, and I look forward to the dreams You give when I sleep. Amen.
Food, its whats for dinner.
Food, its what I crave.
Food, its what I hate.
Food, its what I need.
Food, its what is killing me.
Father, American food is poison. The chemicals are addictive and destructive. They eat at the veins in my body, they cling to the sides of my arteries and body. Yet, I can't stop eating it. This food is killing me and there is nothing I can do!
Yet, I have You, my Lord, to be my savior and I know You'll find a perfect solution for this. I want to loose weight, but I want it to be for You and not for any other reason. Because I know, if I loose it, the weight will stay off. You are God and know the perfect way to solve it. I will do what I can, but I know I have been failing to stick to a diet.
I love You, Father, and I look forward to the dreams You give when I sleep. Amen.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Another Idol.
This is to the Lord:
My Lord, who reigns in Heaven, the Universe, and on Earth, I confess to You: I haven't put Your ways first in my life. There is an idol that I worship and continue to worship and I don't know how to hand it over to you. This idol prevents me from getting closer to you and experiencing the true love and direction you want me to go. And the name of this idol is food.
I worship it, I crave it, I desire it. My Lord it has gotten me into so much trouble, pain and headache. It my kriptonite.
How do You want me to hand this off? To give it to You? You are my Master and I am Your bond servant and I trust in You to know how to handle it. I also trust in You on what is needed to solve it. You are God and I am not. You are God and I am NOT. YOU ARE GOD and i am not.
The idol is Yours and I pray for Your help on how to destory it. Amen
My Lord, who reigns in Heaven, the Universe, and on Earth, I confess to You: I haven't put Your ways first in my life. There is an idol that I worship and continue to worship and I don't know how to hand it over to you. This idol prevents me from getting closer to you and experiencing the true love and direction you want me to go. And the name of this idol is food.
I worship it, I crave it, I desire it. My Lord it has gotten me into so much trouble, pain and headache. It my kriptonite.
How do You want me to hand this off? To give it to You? You are my Master and I am Your bond servant and I trust in You to know how to handle it. I also trust in You on what is needed to solve it. You are God and I am not. You are God and I am NOT. YOU ARE GOD and i am not.
The idol is Yours and I pray for Your help on how to destory it. Amen
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tormenting Spirit.
This is to the Lord:
My Lord in Heaven, why am I being tormented night and day over my ex-wife Kristy?
Why must I be made to feel her life is of such importance, when all she cares about is herself?
Wasn't it her who claimed to accepted You into her life and then renounce it?
Wasn't it her who wanted out of the marriage?
Wasn't it her who broke her vows?
Wasn't it her who mentally abused me, demeaning me, and making me feel I am worthless?
Wasn't it her who wanted to depose You from my life?
Wasn't it her who wanted to continue to have sexual relations with both males and females outside of the marriage?
Wasn't it to You I confessed my sins I have committed against her and am I not forgiven of those sins and they are completely forgotten?
Then why, WHY am I being tormented about her?!
Why are my dreams infested with mentioning of her or having involvement in her stuff?
Why is this happening?
She is not my concern as she wanted her own life to do as she pleases.
She is not a part of my life as she wanted out of the marriage.
She is not married to me as she wanted to commit additional acts of adultery.
She is not able to abuse me anymore as I refuse to experience it any longer.
She is not a part of the church because she has rejected You.
She is not "my queen" as You reign over this life You have given me.
She is not liable because I have forgiven her.
So, who is being allowed to torment me over this woman who is NOT a part of my life? As far as I am concerned, and from what I know about You, Father, I shouldn't be attacked or tormented about her. If this is something coming from my ownself, then I beg of You, help me defeat it! Take it from me, remove it with Your perfect power! Please, let me move on and develop a new life with a new person.
As for Kristy, I pray she just gave a damn about what she did to me and the pain she caused. I pray she even cared one tiny bit. I pray she even knew I loved her so much. Father, please, remove from me this old love I have buried in my heart for her. It needs to be removed because it is festering and has caused me lots of pain. I pray to move forward and to forget the past and the pain I experienced and to feel Your love and the hope You give.
But I know, Your will has the final say and I pray, Let Your Will Be Done. Amen.
My Lord in Heaven, why am I being tormented night and day over my ex-wife Kristy?
Why must I be made to feel her life is of such importance, when all she cares about is herself?
Wasn't it her who claimed to accepted You into her life and then renounce it?
Wasn't it her who wanted out of the marriage?
Wasn't it her who broke her vows?
Wasn't it her who mentally abused me, demeaning me, and making me feel I am worthless?
Wasn't it her who wanted to depose You from my life?
Wasn't it her who wanted to continue to have sexual relations with both males and females outside of the marriage?
Wasn't it to You I confessed my sins I have committed against her and am I not forgiven of those sins and they are completely forgotten?
Then why, WHY am I being tormented about her?!
Why are my dreams infested with mentioning of her or having involvement in her stuff?
Why is this happening?
She is not my concern as she wanted her own life to do as she pleases.
She is not a part of my life as she wanted out of the marriage.
She is not married to me as she wanted to commit additional acts of adultery.
She is not able to abuse me anymore as I refuse to experience it any longer.
She is not a part of the church because she has rejected You.
She is not "my queen" as You reign over this life You have given me.
She is not liable because I have forgiven her.
So, who is being allowed to torment me over this woman who is NOT a part of my life? As far as I am concerned, and from what I know about You, Father, I shouldn't be attacked or tormented about her. If this is something coming from my ownself, then I beg of You, help me defeat it! Take it from me, remove it with Your perfect power! Please, let me move on and develop a new life with a new person.
As for Kristy, I pray she just gave a damn about what she did to me and the pain she caused. I pray she even cared one tiny bit. I pray she even knew I loved her so much. Father, please, remove from me this old love I have buried in my heart for her. It needs to be removed because it is festering and has caused me lots of pain. I pray to move forward and to forget the past and the pain I experienced and to feel Your love and the hope You give.
But I know, Your will has the final say and I pray, Let Your Will Be Done. Amen.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
New Style.
This is to the Lord:
Father, I have realized I am not a great Christian. I realize I am incrediably selfish. I realize, that is my idol and I cast it before You. I realize today, I really did need You because I was attacked visciously by a demon...I also realize You were testing me again because You wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I realize, I almost lost it and You saved me. I realize that life isn't fair and never will be. I realize I need a Savior on a constant, daily, hourly, moment by moment basis. I realize, I need You and have to have You. I realize, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING is possible without You. I realize, more that I can ever put into words, I love You and want You. I realize that You are the source of all solutions and answers. You Are God, and You deserve all credit for solving all of the problems I have encountered. You are God and I am most definately not. Holy are You and worthy of all praise! Amen!
Father, I have realized I am not a great Christian. I realize I am incrediably selfish. I realize, that is my idol and I cast it before You. I realize today, I really did need You because I was attacked visciously by a demon...I also realize You were testing me again because You wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I realize, I almost lost it and You saved me. I realize that life isn't fair and never will be. I realize I need a Savior on a constant, daily, hourly, moment by moment basis. I realize, I need You and have to have You. I realize, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING is possible without You. I realize, more that I can ever put into words, I love You and want You. I realize that You are the source of all solutions and answers. You Are God, and You deserve all credit for solving all of the problems I have encountered. You are God and I am most definately not. Holy are You and worthy of all praise! Amen!
Monday, June 05, 2006
Stepping out of the boat.
In my Small Group tonight, we started a new series by John Ortberg about Stepping Out of the Boat. Like what Peter did when Jesus was walking on water. And I came upon a realization (actually several):
I am a failure if I don't at least try and I am an even bigger failure if do nothing at all. If God doesn't want you to do something, He will close that avenue or door to you. In fact, He will make it so hard you'll pretty much have to stop. If you want to do what He wants, you'll eventually see His hand in everything. If God wants you to do something, and you do it, He will give you everything you need to complete it. And if you fall during that time, He will be there to pick you up, guaranteed. Why do I know that? I just do. Have a faith and belief in Him and He will help.
I also found out that being a failure, such as myself, you learn a lot. That's provided the thick part of your skull has thinned enough to learn. My skull was thick and it still is in some parts, but the Lord is whittling them down.
Finally, I learned something else that has affected me very personally for 24 years. I will not go into details, but to say I now have figured out why I don't have much motivation. And it is because of this, I was most likely robbing myself of motivation. It is something I will work at to defeat because it has been so crippling. I will know more as time progresses if I have found a "cure".
Have a blessed week!
I am a failure if I don't at least try and I am an even bigger failure if do nothing at all. If God doesn't want you to do something, He will close that avenue or door to you. In fact, He will make it so hard you'll pretty much have to stop. If you want to do what He wants, you'll eventually see His hand in everything. If God wants you to do something, and you do it, He will give you everything you need to complete it. And if you fall during that time, He will be there to pick you up, guaranteed. Why do I know that? I just do. Have a faith and belief in Him and He will help.
I also found out that being a failure, such as myself, you learn a lot. That's provided the thick part of your skull has thinned enough to learn. My skull was thick and it still is in some parts, but the Lord is whittling them down.
Finally, I learned something else that has affected me very personally for 24 years. I will not go into details, but to say I now have figured out why I don't have much motivation. And it is because of this, I was most likely robbing myself of motivation. It is something I will work at to defeat because it has been so crippling. I will know more as time progresses if I have found a "cure".
Have a blessed week!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
What a day!
Yesterday, I borrowed a bike from a friend of mine to see whether or not I am willing to ride it consistently. In fact, I was going to ride it this morning.
God had other plans for me. It rained this morning. Instead, I got up, ate a leisurely breakfast, drank nearly a pot of coffee (I thank God for making coffee because it tastes so good!) and went into church to hear the message and to record CDs.
Afterwards, I rode the bike... and boy did it hurt! The seat was harder than concrete and the gears are not working very well, but I did do it. And I liked it, even though my lungs and heart would say differently. To be honest, I think I did what the Lord wanted me to do.
If it wasn't, then I pray for an ear to hear His words and a heart that will remember those words. I so need Him on a daily/hourly/minute/moment basis. It is because of Him, I am any good at anything. So I have this to say:
Thank you Jesus for allowing me to love You and to ask that You be my confidence. Because You the deal and I don't.
God had other plans for me. It rained this morning. Instead, I got up, ate a leisurely breakfast, drank nearly a pot of coffee (I thank God for making coffee because it tastes so good!) and went into church to hear the message and to record CDs.
Afterwards, I rode the bike... and boy did it hurt! The seat was harder than concrete and the gears are not working very well, but I did do it. And I liked it, even though my lungs and heart would say differently. To be honest, I think I did what the Lord wanted me to do.
If it wasn't, then I pray for an ear to hear His words and a heart that will remember those words. I so need Him on a daily/hourly/minute/moment basis. It is because of Him, I am any good at anything. So I have this to say:
Thank you Jesus for allowing me to love You and to ask that You be my confidence. Because You the deal and I don't.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I've been gone.
And so has my server! Yes, the one that hosts my images. I junked it for the ability to have a photo gallery. Right now, it is sitting... waiting for the chance to pounce on any unsuspecting web person. Or it can be very dumb and wait for a page it. You can decide.
http://dagget.2y.net/gallery2
BUT, you need a login to view the gallery and right now, I reserve that for those I know.
About my absence... I have nothing to say really. I guess, I've been lazy. When I write, it can take me awhile because I read and re-read my stuff. I have a pet-peave about misspelled words and missing words. I know I can't be perfect, but I have to be diligent.
So, what interesting things do I have to say... Enjoy life as best as you can because it is a gift from God! Explore it. Feel it. See it. Experience it. Know it. Life is everywhere and God gives it abundantly.
Will I feel like this later? Not sure. It seems I can't retain somethings longer than a bugs life, but I do try. I just hope I can be all the Lord wants me to be. All I can do is try and I know I can't be faulted for being a failure.
Those are my words for this short jaunt. I started off well with this blog, but I died out quickly. At least I can start again. :)
Have a blessed day!
http://dagget.2y.net/gallery2
BUT, you need a login to view the gallery and right now, I reserve that for those I know.
About my absence... I have nothing to say really. I guess, I've been lazy. When I write, it can take me awhile because I read and re-read my stuff. I have a pet-peave about misspelled words and missing words. I know I can't be perfect, but I have to be diligent.
So, what interesting things do I have to say... Enjoy life as best as you can because it is a gift from God! Explore it. Feel it. See it. Experience it. Know it. Life is everywhere and God gives it abundantly.
Will I feel like this later? Not sure. It seems I can't retain somethings longer than a bugs life, but I do try. I just hope I can be all the Lord wants me to be. All I can do is try and I know I can't be faulted for being a failure.
Those are my words for this short jaunt. I started off well with this blog, but I died out quickly. At least I can start again. :)
Have a blessed day!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Being away.
I have walked away from the Lord.
But He isn't concerned. He knows I will be back very soon.
He knows I don't like being away from Him.
He will wait patiently for me.
Which is far more than I can say about myself.
I don't like it that I've walked away.
I feel concerned, but I know I will be back very soon.
I know what He knows about me, and His confidence in me feels reassuring.
Though I can't stand waiting patiently to return. I want to be back with Him now.
Because I need Him to be there everyday.
Without Him, I can't make it through the day and be a good person/employee.
With Him, I feel like I can take on everything without fear.
With Him, I can love others with His heart, instead of my own.
I need Him more than I can ever imagine.
He is the source of all my love, hope, joy and peace.
He is the Lord God Jesus and none is bigger or better than my God!
But He isn't concerned. He knows I will be back very soon.
He knows I don't like being away from Him.
He will wait patiently for me.
Which is far more than I can say about myself.
I don't like it that I've walked away.
I feel concerned, but I know I will be back very soon.
I know what He knows about me, and His confidence in me feels reassuring.
Though I can't stand waiting patiently to return. I want to be back with Him now.
Because I need Him to be there everyday.
Without Him, I can't make it through the day and be a good person/employee.
With Him, I feel like I can take on everything without fear.
With Him, I can love others with His heart, instead of my own.
I need Him more than I can ever imagine.
He is the source of all my love, hope, joy and peace.
He is the Lord God Jesus and none is bigger or better than my God!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Concerts and loneliness
Tonight, in Kansas City, Casting Crowns, Nichole Nordeman, and Josh Bates (with Tony Noland inspirational speaker). My singles small group was planning to have a few people go and I was determined to go. Mainly for Nichole Nordeman. She is a great singer, very talented pianist, and quite beautiful. She reminds me of my sister. She is also VERY real.
She told a story of incrediable shame and utter failure at refusing to see the will of God in a situation. The story was from her first tour and she was one of only two females. Before continuing, Nichole Nordeman is a Christian Artist and is reconized in the industry for her talents and gifts. On with the story.... This other woman (we'll call her Michelle) was an over the top Christian and no matter what, she was always happy. But Nichole noticed this happiness was a shell. And bit by bit, the more she was around Michelle, the shell would crumble. Inside was some serious pain that was overwhelming Nichole and would pray to the Lord (and she admitted it) in selfishness- Lord get this woman out of my life, why did You put her here!
Nichole would see Michelle and disapear because she didn't want to see her or talk to her. Later, after a couple of months after the tour ended, one of the people she was friends with (who was on the tour too) said, "Did you hear what happened to Michelle last week?" Nichole, with an open admission "The condition of my heart then was horrible, so I said, 'So what did Miss Drama Queen do now?'" Her friend just looked at her and didn't talk for several minutes. Then just said, "Michelle commited suicide." This affected Nichole and wrote a song about this, that God places people in our paths for a reason and we are to be there for them.
I got autographs on the CD's of Nichole's and Casting Crowns. The lead singer, Mark Hall, was having voice problems and it was great he was able to sing what he did tonight. But he wasn't at the signing, which I understand. I did get to meet the band and that was GREAT! And being the dorky/goof ball/lame-o that I am, it was a complete fiasco! I got pictures of all of them, EXCEPT the drummer! He was the best looking of them all...well the wife of one of the guitarists was very pretty, but the drummer was bald and that made all the difference!
Anyways...I attended the concert and sat between two couples. My date was God and I was filled with joy before and during the concert. At the end loneliness started to sneek in. I tried and tried to look to the Lord for resolution with this, but nothing came and the depression and loneliness kept on building! It wasn't until I got outside that I started to sing to the Lord, which lifted my spirits. I am still fighting it.
I will be up front and honest about this, I hate being alone. It sucks! But there is a reason I am this way and the Lord wants me for something unique or to correct a fault I have. The Lord is working on me, changing me and I don't have a clue what He wants of me. But He knows and will complete His work in me eventually, even if I am dragged kicking and screaming. I am trying to have faith and place my confidence in His hands.
I also got insanely angry about this. I mean, the devil is attacking me with images of happy couples, pretty woman who are married walking around in groups of other women... I just couldn't take it anymore! I didn't want my joy sucked away, my peace drowned in mud. Satan has no right to do that (I said it in a more crude way), the Lord's joy and peace are His to give and the devil has no right to it. The Lord created the universe, He can do anything! (NOTE TO SELF- God will do what He wants- if He wants to suck the joy and peace out of someone for a particular reason, He will. If He wants to give a million dollars to a man who doesn't deserve it, He will).
I am tired as I will be helping a friend move tomorrow as well as do Feel the People. I hope your weekend is blessed and full of friendship, love, joy, peace and beauty!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Psalm 4-18-06
I have been a beast of a man.
I have been horrible as I can.
Oh I need You Lord to be there.
Oh I desire You and Your care.
My anger will rise.
My fear will not subside.
Oh I need You Lord to be here.
Oh I want to be in Your care.
Mighty God where am I going.
I cannot fight my longing
For Your awesome grace
Your wonderful, beautiful face.
Oh I need You Lord to be there.
Oh I desire You and Your care.
You are here to save me.
You are there to help me be
The right man
For Your perfect plan.
To show the world Your love
To tell them You reign above.
Oh I need You Lord to be here.
Oh I want to be in Your care.
For I know, life is meaningless
Without You and Your wonderful
Life giving bliss!
I have been horrible as I can.
Oh I need You Lord to be there.
Oh I desire You and Your care.
My anger will rise.
My fear will not subside.
Oh I need You Lord to be here.
Oh I want to be in Your care.
Mighty God where am I going.
I cannot fight my longing
For Your awesome grace
Your wonderful, beautiful face.
Oh I need You Lord to be there.
Oh I desire You and Your care.
You are here to save me.
You are there to help me be
The right man
For Your perfect plan.
To show the world Your love
To tell them You reign above.
Oh I need You Lord to be here.
Oh I want to be in Your care.
For I know, life is meaningless
Without You and Your wonderful
Life giving bliss!
Saturday, April 15, 2006
A moment before He rises.
Tomorrow, almost 2000 years ago, the Son of man, the Son of the Most High God, the Light of the world, arose from the grave, victorious. God conquered death and it's grip upon us is worthless!
Yesterday, almost 2000 years ago, the Son of man, the Son of the Most High God, the Light of the world, went down into darkness...humbled, abused, beaten, and crushed. He was the perfect lamb to die for our sins, to save us from eternal seperation from God the Father. To save us from ourselves, to save us from complete destruction!
So I pray for you, dear reader, that the eyes of your heart be opened. The blinders removed. Your vision cleared to see the truth Jesus brings to you! You might have read that Christianity is a lie, full of hypocrites, theives and unloving zealot freaks. In fact, I challenage you to tell me about the Christianity you know, and I will most likely agree with you and even dislike it too. Once you're done, give me the courtesy of telling you about the Jesus I know who wants to enjoy a beautiful, loving, peaceful, enjoyable, fun filled relationship with you! Because that is REAL Christianity. Not a religion, but a relationship! Legalistic Christianity is NOT real! In fact, in Paul the Apostle's view, it could be considered a sin.
Why? Legalism (as it's called) doesn't build a person up, it belittles them. It doesn't affirm them, it tears down the spirit, crushing it under guilt and shame. It doesn't glorify the Lord, it causes people to flee. Jesus died on the cross to remove our shame, our fear, our bondage to such human created things! Why should we allow ourselves to be saddled with lists of Do this or Don't do that? What about doing a chant, a litergy or praying to a stone/wooden idol? GO DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE! Remove the middle man, drop the pretense, open up and let God have it! Be honest, open and direct! Jesus set us free and you are free indeed!
-My Lord, this day, glorious awesome things have occured. My church's reach out event was very successful and allowed people to enjoy themselves with family and friends! Lord, You made the weather perfect! In fact, a predicted storm for the area was delayed because of You! It rained all around, but not at the Speedway! Thank You Lord for making it successful! Only You could have done that. Please, bless all of those that helped, all of those that visited, all of those that will eat the candy from the egg hunt. Bless them with peace, comfort and love for the rest of today and tomorrow! Please, bless Westside Family Church, the pastor staff, regular staff, and the volunteers with protection, strong spirit, conviction, and wisdom as we continue to seek your guidence during the coming year! Help us Lord be the best we can be to reach others for You and to grow them to be like You! In Your name I pray, Amen!
Yesterday, almost 2000 years ago, the Son of man, the Son of the Most High God, the Light of the world, went down into darkness...humbled, abused, beaten, and crushed. He was the perfect lamb to die for our sins, to save us from eternal seperation from God the Father. To save us from ourselves, to save us from complete destruction!
So I pray for you, dear reader, that the eyes of your heart be opened. The blinders removed. Your vision cleared to see the truth Jesus brings to you! You might have read that Christianity is a lie, full of hypocrites, theives and unloving zealot freaks. In fact, I challenage you to tell me about the Christianity you know, and I will most likely agree with you and even dislike it too. Once you're done, give me the courtesy of telling you about the Jesus I know who wants to enjoy a beautiful, loving, peaceful, enjoyable, fun filled relationship with you! Because that is REAL Christianity. Not a religion, but a relationship! Legalistic Christianity is NOT real! In fact, in Paul the Apostle's view, it could be considered a sin.
Why? Legalism (as it's called) doesn't build a person up, it belittles them. It doesn't affirm them, it tears down the spirit, crushing it under guilt and shame. It doesn't glorify the Lord, it causes people to flee. Jesus died on the cross to remove our shame, our fear, our bondage to such human created things! Why should we allow ourselves to be saddled with lists of Do this or Don't do that? What about doing a chant, a litergy or praying to a stone/wooden idol? GO DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE! Remove the middle man, drop the pretense, open up and let God have it! Be honest, open and direct! Jesus set us free and you are free indeed!
-My Lord, this day, glorious awesome things have occured. My church's reach out event was very successful and allowed people to enjoy themselves with family and friends! Lord, You made the weather perfect! In fact, a predicted storm for the area was delayed because of You! It rained all around, but not at the Speedway! Thank You Lord for making it successful! Only You could have done that. Please, bless all of those that helped, all of those that visited, all of those that will eat the candy from the egg hunt. Bless them with peace, comfort and love for the rest of today and tomorrow! Please, bless Westside Family Church, the pastor staff, regular staff, and the volunteers with protection, strong spirit, conviction, and wisdom as we continue to seek your guidence during the coming year! Help us Lord be the best we can be to reach others for You and to grow them to be like You! In Your name I pray, Amen!
Monday, April 10, 2006
Psalm 4-10-06
Am I to be bold for You?
Is my path to cross those I know and love with You?
Is my heart finding it hard to love You?
Is my soul reeling from its walk away from You?
Am I to be Your son for the ones who seek You and want answers?
To all of these, I say yes.
I am to be bold for You!
I am to cross paths with the ones I know and love for You!
I am finding it hard to love You, but I know You will step in to help because I need it!
My soul is reeling from the disconnectedness I feel. The anguish is painful!
I am to be Your son to the seeking and questioning souls on this lost world!
So what is it I am doing wrong to not be bold?
Why do I fear crossing the paths of those I know?
Why do I find it hard to love You? Is it because I not obeying You?
Why is my soul reeling from the disconnection?
How can I be Your son to those who are seeking and questioning?
Lord, You can do anything and accomplish anything.
You are God and I am not.
You are in control.
You are the Sovereign God Almighty and there isn't another god but You!
Worthy are You of all praise!
Holy are You in all of the Universe and none is more holier than You!
You are God.
You are the Father, Creator of the heavens and earth.
You are my Best Friend and I love You for what You have done to change me to be like Jesus.
You are there for me everytime...And I know I haven't been there 100% because I am so human.
Perfect are You Lord, for we all fall short of Your glory! Please, never stop loving us because we depend upon You. We need You. I desire You. I want to obey Your every whim. I want to obey. I want to give it all to You. I want to be Yours and be one to go after Your own heart! I pray that I have.
Mighty God! Thank you for today and the wonderful work You granted me to do. Thank You for the people that I know. Thank You for the love of the small group. Thank You for allowing me to fail and to see I am nothing special outside of You! Thank You for making me who I am and for letting me live, despite my poor judgment and lack of wisdom! Thank You for keeping me from becoming a cruel and hateful man. Thank You for Your grace and granting it to Abraham so many years ago! Please, accept my thanks, even though it is nothing to the full due You are deserving of. In Your name I pray, Amen!
Is my path to cross those I know and love with You?
Is my heart finding it hard to love You?
Is my soul reeling from its walk away from You?
Am I to be Your son for the ones who seek You and want answers?
To all of these, I say yes.
I am to be bold for You!
I am to cross paths with the ones I know and love for You!
I am finding it hard to love You, but I know You will step in to help because I need it!
My soul is reeling from the disconnectedness I feel. The anguish is painful!
I am to be Your son to the seeking and questioning souls on this lost world!
So what is it I am doing wrong to not be bold?
Why do I fear crossing the paths of those I know?
Why do I find it hard to love You? Is it because I not obeying You?
Why is my soul reeling from the disconnection?
How can I be Your son to those who are seeking and questioning?
Lord, You can do anything and accomplish anything.
You are God and I am not.
You are in control.
You are the Sovereign God Almighty and there isn't another god but You!
Worthy are You of all praise!
Holy are You in all of the Universe and none is more holier than You!
You are God.
You are the Father, Creator of the heavens and earth.
You are my Best Friend and I love You for what You have done to change me to be like Jesus.
You are there for me everytime...And I know I haven't been there 100% because I am so human.
Perfect are You Lord, for we all fall short of Your glory! Please, never stop loving us because we depend upon You. We need You. I desire You. I want to obey Your every whim. I want to obey. I want to give it all to You. I want to be Yours and be one to go after Your own heart! I pray that I have.
Mighty God! Thank you for today and the wonderful work You granted me to do. Thank You for the people that I know. Thank You for the love of the small group. Thank You for allowing me to fail and to see I am nothing special outside of You! Thank You for making me who I am and for letting me live, despite my poor judgment and lack of wisdom! Thank You for keeping me from becoming a cruel and hateful man. Thank You for Your grace and granting it to Abraham so many years ago! Please, accept my thanks, even though it is nothing to the full due You are deserving of. In Your name I pray, Amen!
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