A Loner...

Today, I discovered something about myself. Actually, I was told that I was this- I was being judged by a fellow believer, and I feel that she was right. I never really thought of myself as being this type of person.

I am a Loner.

I looked up the definition on a couple of online dictionaries and on Wikipedia.
A Loner is:

• A person who avoids the company or assistance of others. (wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
• One who avoids the company of other people; individualist; recluse; solitudinarian; troglodyte (Rawrr!) (www.thefreedictionary.com)
• Wikipedia had so much information on this subject, I will give the link, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loner

Being a Loner goes completely in the face of being a Follower of Christ. In a real Church Family, fellowship is very important. So is counting on others to help you and helping them when they need it. In fact, God wants us to be with other believers and helping them make it through this dark and hateful world! Yet, here I am, a Loner, who happens to be a Christian.

Now, reading the definitions, you can see that being a Loner really isn't an enjoyable label. I mean, being called a "troglodyte" isn't a very nice thing to say to someone. Now, I'm not bashing the person who said I was a Loner, and she probably didn't realize there was a connection between the words. So what is it about being a Loner and why does it bother me?

I started thinking about this and I discovered that being a Loner means, I deal with people on my own terms. And guess what else I realized? The term Loner can apply to just about anyone else in this world. Most people don't like to deal with others, unless it is on their own terms, or when they are ready to communicate. I realized that about myself tonight.

My church was having a function to help people get connected with a Small Group or Life Group. I am already involved in a Life Group and I love the friendship and the sense of family I get. Yet, I realize I need to be out of my apartment more often because I am becoming a troglodyte! So, I decided to look for another group to join that had only single people that are closer to me in age. And, I was there to take pictures for this ministry that runs the Life Groups. As everyone started to group up, I didn't.

At first, I didn't know what it was. I felt confused, shy (which I'm not normally), and just plain dumb. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide (which I tried to do a couple of times). Yet, I was able to walk around the room comfortably and took pictures, but I couldn't sit with a group. It wasn't until I was asked to join a table did I pick a group. Later, this experience got me to thinking about myself and how I have viewed and dealt with others.

I tend to be very giving of my time to the church, but there are times, I am very selfish with it. I get into these modes that I don't want to deal with anyone. I want to be by myself and I sometimes don't like to be disturbed. I decide I want to do something and do it, which usually means locking out the world. Recently, this happens a lot... well, this has been going on for sometime. You see, I forced myself to be this way. When I was a child, there was a period in my life I didn't have any friends- literally. I lost them all because of depression and lack of selfworth. I then turned to my imagination and toy models to keep myself entertained.

When I did find a friend, I had a tendency to burn them out from playing with them too much, then I would find another friend. Soon, I had friends of every shape and size. Some of them were total opposites of another set of friends and sometimes would fight. I then learned not to hang around them as much and that meant keeping them at a distance. It always hurt when I lost a friend because of my own selfishness and I reasoned this was the best way for me to survive.

I don't have a very big circle of friends and of those, I am only close to two (one of which isn't a believer). All the others, I basically have surface based friendships. I find myself not getting into deep conversations with people because I don't know what to talk about. Therefore, being a Loner means, having poor communication skills. I also didn't want to get hurt any more. Everyone that I have become close to has otherwise left or died. I don't deal well with mental pain because my mind just can't grasp how to solve it. All I can do now is give it up to the Lord.

-Dear Lord, today, You exposed a painful truth in my life. I am a Loner. I don't like it because it isn't a good trait to have if I am to be Your servant. If I am to be friendly to people, show love and compassion, and being there for those I love, then change that in me! I don't want to be a loner. I want to be like You, with a heart that enjoys talking and sharing with people, no matter who they are. Help me reach out to others and seek lasting, loving, and deep friendships. Help me develop a heart that wants to be around others and is a good communicator. Shape me into more of what You want me to be, so I can help others see You through me. In Jesus' name, Amen.