Bitterness

I am going to be hard on myself tonight.
I have some bitterness in my life and I know the Lord doesn't want me to have it. I have forgiven many things and I know there is nothing I can do to influence other things. I thought I have given them up to the Lord, but something inside of me still holds on to them.

Well, get ready for a pitty/rant party!

I am bitter about these things:

• Microsoft
• My ex-wife's success
• My ex-wife deceitfulness
• My current circumstances
• My failure at life

Why Microsoft? They are a company that had a great opportunity to be gracious about their position in the world of software, but really aren't. They are number one in so many product categories, but they obtained that position through some pretty underhanded tactics.
Does Microsoft make good software? No. The companies they purchased make good software. In fact, the software that is made by the original part of MS makes some average products. To make matters worse, if MS ever made good software, the whole industry will collapse. Why? I wouldn't be working if they fixed all the bugs, closed all the virus holes, stopped the Blue Screens of Death (BSOD), or made software truly easy to use. But then again, I actually don't have a job. You see, I am unemployed.
I find it hard to support a product that causes so much stress, fear, and hatred. I find it morally wrong to say to someone "Go Microsoft and install a full MS based solution." Why? I know that support costs will go up and the need for far more powerful protection technology is required to make a MS based network bullet proof from the hundreds of thousands of virii out on the internet... Then you have to train the users not to "run attachments" before they open them. The list of litanies can go on for months.
So what am I to do about this? Nothing. I am going to have to become Darth Vader to support Microsoft. Will that stop the bitterness? Not really. I will always promote alternate technologies than MS based unsecure products. I believe technology can work for people and it can have value. By doing it completely by MS ways means yearly software audits, yearly/bi-yearly software subscription purchases, constantly purchasing new PCs, and knowing that no matter what happens to your network after it is attacked via a security hole, they will release a patch within a few weeks.
I try to give this up to the Lord, but I fail. Something in me keeps pulling it back. Microsoft is bigger than me, but I know that God is bigger than Microsoft. He can crush them, wipe the company off the face of the earth and scatter their employees to the corners of the world. What is it that is causing me to feel this way towards this company? You know, the world isn't fair and if the Lord feels that MS tactics will be punished later, then so be it. I will let Him decide if I am to support the Big Blue Butt Baboon or not.

My ex-wife's success does bother me. A part of me is happy for her because she has struggled for a long time to make ends meet, and now she is set. It was an answer to a prayer. Her new job pays very well and the position has great growth potential. In fact, the way she describes it, the job is a perfect fit for her. Yet, I can't find a job to save myself. I have applied just about everywhere and I haven't found anything! I just have to realize that I am in the place the Lord wants me to be. There are many times I am thankful to the Lord I am poor.

deceitfulness is a horrible thing to discover in a persons life. I feel everyone will experience it at least once. My ex-wife had written she had been with other men and women doing one thing or another within the first couple of months of our marriage. We were married a little over seven years with no children. I forgave her for one of them, but I discovered these other trists a little later and I realized there was no way the marriage will last with that much cheating. I don't know, I am not very bitter, but hurt and the pain was really, really bad when it happened. The bad thing about the whole divorce, she felt no remorse and didn't care.

I am bitter about my current financial situation. I struggle daily with this. I was fired from a job that paid over 88K a year, I lost my house, my wife, my pets, and my financial security. Yes, I have been forced to rely on the Lord, but the handouts are discouraging! It crushes me to be forced to accept handouts from people. Is that pride being pressed out of my life? I guess so. The last four years have been very hard and I am not learning what the Lord wants me to know. I wish I knew what He wants of me and what He wants me to do!! Am I getting angry at the Lord? You bet! He loves an open heart and I let Him know how I feel about stuff.

Finally, I am guilt ridden with my failure at life and how poor of a "manager" I have been with the things the Lord has given me. I have jacked up so much crap and still haven't learned how to do what is right. I know life is about failure, but I have failed so many times. The positive side of me says "Just get right back up." But I don't. During the last four years, I have experienced 40 interviews for jobs. You would think I'd be a pro by now, but having no job means I'm not doing so good. My sister commented to me, I seem defeated or demoralized. Well, I am and no matter how many times I have prayed to the Lord to take this off of me, it still remains.

-Dear Lord, I am crushed with bitterness and defeat! The baggage I carry consumes me and trashes the joy and peace you give! It also wipes out the wisdom you give because it causes me to make irrational decisions. Jesus, please, PLEASE I BEG YOU, take the yoke of these things. They are killing me and causing me to miss life and to be negative. They are also confusing me and Your messages to me about the direction You want me to go. Lord, I am a stubborn, stupid, fool and I pray for Your grace, love, peace and faith to claim this bitterness and remove it forever. I also pray for Your forgiveness in my weakness and lack of faith. Take my heart, my soul and my life and use it for whatever needs and desires You have. Please give me courage to fight the battles You want me fight, and the strength to climb the holes You place me in. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.